Title: Sunnydale DC.

Author: CGB

Rating: TFR for Totally f**king ridiculous.

Archive: Sure

Feedback: Keep it clean

Email: luberluber@yahoo.com.au

Web: http://Appelsini.tripod.com/Christine/

Category: I suppose crossover/ parody/ and a wee tinkling of

CJ/Toby for the gals at CJTobyfanfic

Disclaimer: This is parody so "nyeh nyeh nyeh" to the whole

copyright and trademark thing.

Summary: CJ's the slayer. Sure she's not an agile 18 year old but

she's got something the other girls didn't have – the President of

the United States.

There's a couple of people that should be blamed…er … thanked

for this one. Elizabeth M-for-Miss-Edith Barr who makes a guest

author appearance at the end with the Sam and Ainsley scene, and

Luna who I threatened with this fic last week. At the time I was

only kidding around but look what happens if you think about

something just a little too much.

Thanks to Spike for being so delicious and for gracing this story

with a cameo.

So here's the thing, in Australia Buffy and the West Wing show at

the same time on a Tuesday night making it goddamn difficult for

those of us who like to watch both more than once. I've come up

with a solution that I think works for everyone.

*

It was all quiet on the Western Wing this week. There were no

wars to speak of, no insidious memos, the President had been laid

recently and wasn't chasing his wife around the oval office, Toby

was as affable as Toby could be which meant he ignored people

rather than told them to get the hell out his way, Josh and Sam

were completely out of witty one liners and Donna hadn't read any

useless and boring information for over a month.

In fact, it was getting kind of dull.

CJ walked out into the hall and starting moving briskly up the

corridor because she knew everytime she started moving briskly up

the corridor someone accosted her with something important.

She wasn't disappointed. Charlie, the President's main flunky,

appeared from nowhere.

"CJ, the President wants to see you as soon as possible."

"Right," she said, happy and hopeful that the day was about to get

interesting. "What about?"

"I don't know CJ, and if I ask, there's a good chance he'll tell me

and continue telling me until tomorrow, so I've stopped asking."

CJ nodded. Charlie caught on so fast.

She had no idea how interesting her night was about to become.

"CJ!" the President boomed in his usual good natured way, "have a

seat".

She sat down on the settee in the President's office.

"CJ," the Prez said sitting down across from her, "I've got

something very important to tell you. Unto every generation a

slayer is born. A chosen one. She alone will fight the evil vampires

and demons. You are the slayer CJ - did you know the myth of the

vampire's actually originates well before Bram Stoker's version? In

the Slavic regions of Europe there were many legends and tales of

walking corpses preying on the living in their thirst for blood, their

bite turning their victim into a vampire too. In one legend it's said

that if a cat jumps over a dead body the victim will awaken as the

undead…"

"Woah!" said CJ, "I'm a what?"

"A slayer. Although I'm not sure about where the myth of the

slayer originates - it does seem to be a somewhat 20th Century term

- but as it turns out, you're the slayer, I'm your watcher and there

are Vampires loose in DC that we have to go out and stake. Oh -

I'm supposed to have an English accent too. I tried it for a while. It

didn't work on me. And whoever heard of an American President

with an English accent? Anyway, you're supposed to be a lot

younger too but it looks like the slayer pool has dried up and you're

it. Still, I'm sure there's a bit of fight in you yet Claudia Jean!"

"Mr President has Mrs Bartlet been by to give you your medicine

today?"

"Now CJ, I hope you're not sitting there thinking the President is

out of his tree?!" he looked at her sternly.

"No sir," she said quickly, although that was precisely what she

was thinking.

"Well then, we'd better get to work. You do know what a vampire

looks like don't you?"

"No sir, although I expect pointy teeth and a pale countenance are

involved, Sir."

"You catch on fast, CJ." He got up and paced around the room. He

picked up something off his desk and threw it at her. She realised it

was a knife when it hit the settee next to her. It hung there inches

from her shoulder. She looked at it horrified.

"Mr President, Sir, are you trying to kill me?"

"Dammit CJ, you were supposed to catch that!"

"Mr President, you've got quite an arm."

"I watch a lot of sports."

"Women's softball in particular Sir?"

"Yes, why do you ask?"

"Well I've never seen anyone throw a knife underarm before."

*

Later that night they were out patrolling a grave yard outside the

White House.

"Mr President how did you manage to lose your secret service

agents."

"They're not secret service, CJ. They're members of the Watcher's

council. They know when to beat it."

"So why are Sam and Josh here?"

"Oh them? They're your loveable but ultimately useless friends

who secretly have the hots for each other. They're also bait. Hi

guys!" the Prez waved at Josh and Sam.

"Hello Mr President, Hello CJ," they chorused back.

"Bait?"

"Why else would they be wearing bright colours?"

"I thought they were on their way to a gay disco?"

"Funny, CJ. Funny. Work on that sense of humour - every good

slayer needs a quick line and a witty comeback"

They came to a grave yard. The Prez leaned on one of the

headstones and folded his arms.

"What are we doing?" CJ asked looking mystified.

"We're waiting," the Prez answered.

"Oh that's good because we don't have anything else important to

do, like, you know, running the country… "

Just then, Donna showed up.

"Hi everyone!" she said cheerfully.

"What's Donna doing here?" CJ asked, by now completely

unamused.

"Oh, I'm the beautiful and popular person you really want to be but

can't because you have, you know, a really big responsibility to

save the world and all. I wear designer clothes although God

knows how I can afford them on the salary Josh pays me, I'm

always ready with the hard line on every situation and I bring you

all crashing back to reality when you all get too loopy for your

own good - oh, and Josh and I are about to have a passionate yet

circumspect affair that will ultimately end in tears."

Josh looked disappointed.

"Circumspect?"

"Sorry," Donna shrugged, "and you don't get very far with Sam

either."

"Oh," said Josh still looking disappointed. Sam looked sheepish.

"But Ainsley on the other hand…"

"I don't want to know." Josh rolled his eyes.

Just then the ground began to shake. A hand reached out of the

Earth from a recently dug grave and began to claw its way to the

surface.

Everyone took a step back.

"Holy shit!" said CJ.

The monster sprang out of the Earth and ran straight for Sam and

Josh who clung to each other and screamed.

The President jumped into action pulling a wooden spike from his

inside his coat and aiming it at the beast.

Unfortunately it saw him and flung him backwards with a wave of

its arm.

"oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god…" said CJ. She picked up the

President's stake and advanced towards the monster that was about

to sink its teeth into Sam's neck.

She raised the stake and slammed it into the heart of the monster.

It screamed and then vanished into a pile of dust.

"Convenient…" CJ said thoughtfully.

"That was great CJ," Sam congratulated her.

"That was a vampire!" CJ said, still a little shaken.

The President got up off the ground and looked at the tombstone

from which the vampire had risen.

"Not only that," he said, "he was a Republican."

An eerie silence descended over the group.

*

Unseen, a figure lurked in the shadows having witnessed the recent

confrontation. It continued to watch when it noticed something.

Another monstrous figure moving towards the oblivious group. He

wondered whether they'd noticed but they seemed engrossed in

something the older one was telling them about the exact

construction of tombstones and a guy called Eric who was a

tombstone engraver and came up with the practice of putting RIP

on the stones.

OK, so they weren't exactly engrossed.

But they still didn't see the figure approaching. It increased it's

speed and was about to lurch at CJ when the figure hiding in the

shadows jumped out and staked it turning it into a pile of dust.

The entire group turned around to witness the commotion going on

behind them.

"Toby!" CJ exclaimed.

"Toby," the President repeated, "what are you doing here?"

"Saving your arses as usual. Don't you know you should never turn

your back on a grave yard!"

Donna who had been powdering her nose from a compact suddenly

spoke up.

"Wait a minute! Look at my compact!" she held up the mirror to

Toby, "he doesn't cast a reflection! He's a vampire!"

"Oh no Toby not you too?" CJ looked mournful. She raised the

stake at him. "Sorry Toby, but you should never have lied to me

about India and Pakistan…"

"Wait! Wait!"

CJ hesitated.

"It's true I'm a vampire," Toby said," but I have a soul. I was once

an evil vampire that terrorised and tortured mankind but a gypsy

put a curse on me and now I have a soul and realise all the evil I've

done."

"Wow," said Donna, "that would explain why you've been so dour

and depressing all these years since the campaign."

Toby looked perplexed.

"What are you talking about? It only happened yesterday."

"Oh," said Donna, "Oh well you know, yeah, now that you

mentioned it you used to be a lot more cheerful." She threw Josh a

pleading look.

"Oh yeah, in fact I was just saying to Sam, 'I wonder what's got

into Toby, he's not his usual chirpy self'. Isn't that right Sam?"

"I don't understand," Sam said, "the images registered by our eyes

are made from the reflection of light from surfaces, the mirror

reflects that same light so how is it…"

"Forget it Sam," CJ said.

"OK."

"I saw the President telling you about being the slayer and all CJ,"

Toby said, "I knew I had to help you."

"Oh yeah? Is that because you don't trust me to do the job? What

do I have to do to prove to you guys that I can do this! I'm smart

and I'm pretty. I'm a woman in my prime…"

A sound interrupted CJs whining. They all turned and were

shocked to see an army of the dead coming towards them from the

top of the hill.

"Omigod," said Donna.

"Oh shit," said CJ.

"Oh for God's sake," said Toby.

"I mean the same light that refracts off the mirror…" said Sam but

he was interrupted by Josh who grabbed his arm and ran as they all

did towards the White House.

"Since when did we have a grave yard next to the White House,"

CJ said as she ran.

*

They ran inside the White House and bolted the door.

"They can't get in can they?" CJ said, "I mean we have to invite

them in don't we?"

"Uh CJ," said Josh, "remember Big Block of Cheese Day? They

only have to be invited in once."

Toby rolled his eyes.

"I knew that whole day was out to get me."

"Toby, hello? Vampire-boy? If not for Big Block of cheese day

you're be out there with the rest of your pointy fanged friends,"

said CJ.

"Now you're getting the hang of it!" the president beamed.

The vampires were hammering at the door. There had to be

hundreds of them. Several secret services agents come Watchers

Council flunkies were dispatched to deal with the amidst much

protesting but they obviously could not handle the sheer numbers

let alone the vampires' superior strength and agility.

"What are we going to do," CJ said looking pointedly at the

President, "We must be able to do something? You're the President

of the United States. You have the bomb, right? I mean, you are

the Commander in Chief of the most powerful armed forces in the

world!"

The President shook his head.

"Sorry CJ, but this is a job for the slayer, the chosen one. The one

with the gift. The one that is foretold to generations and

generations of watchers, foreseen in all the prophecies..."

"All right, already, enough with the prophecy crap. Sheesh, I

thought you were boring when you were just plain old President of

the United States, now you're all doom and gloom. And how am I

going to explain this to the Press? Yes, the President is a member

of a covert council of crazy English Librarians but his approval

rating is up 4%." CJ said and she put her hands on her hips and

rolled her eyes. Suddenly, her eyes lit up.

"Wait, I have an idea," she said.

Everyone looked at her expectantly.

"I may be a slayer but I'm no Maggie Cheung or Lucy Lawless or

even Sarah Michelle Gellar…"

"Who's Sarah Michelle Gellar?" said Sam. Everyone else looked

blank.

"Uh - it was just a name that came to me, anyway, I'm no

kickboxer! I'm a Press secretary. And here's what we're going to

do. Donna, go to the bullpen and get every assistant there to stand

by their phones. Toby, Sam, Josh – I need the names of Unions.

Unions that cover shift workers, night workers, truck drivers,

nurses, couriers. Everybody get to the bullpen and I'll tell you

more."

They ran to the bullpen where Donna was standing by with Carol,

Bonnie, and Ginger who all had phones in their hands.

"Who are we calling?" Donna asked.

"Josh, Sam and Toby will tell you. They're going to give you

names of contacts within certain Unions and you're going to tell

them that the President is going to consider a tax hike that will

affect people who earn more during night shifts because they use

more energy. The reason will be because all these vampires are

putting a strain on environmental resources. They need lights, they

need heating…You got it?"

"Right," said Donna smiling. Carol, Bonnie and Ginger nodded.

CJ then turned to Carol, "Carol, when you've got a moment, leak

the story to Danny, Katie and Bobbie. Then tell the Press there'll

be a briefing in an hour."

The President raised an eyebrow and looked at CJ.

"I hope you know what you're doing."

"Hold on, Mr President," she said as a dark and serious look

crossed her face, "the ride could get bumpy."

*

Everyone was on phones. The bullpen, CJ, Toby, Sam, even the

President pretended to be a White House source for a while but CJ

made him hang up when he started to tell the Union Official on the

other end of the line about he history of Telecommunications in

Union negotiations.

Josh got off the phone to his latest contact, a Union official in the

Sleep Disorder Clinic Employees Union. He cocked his head to

one side.

"Wait," he said, "Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?" said Sam.

"Nothing," said Josh, "I hear nothing. CJ what's going on."

CJ looked at her watch.

"I'd say we're about to find out. Someone switch on CNN."

The television above the Bullpen was already on for the early

morning repeat of Passions that some of the assistants liked to

watch. Carol switched it over to CNN.

The Anchorperson was speaking.

"High level sources inside the White House say that a new tax bill

will target night time workers including Vampires who the White

House believe should pay more for their extended use of natural

resources. Unions such as the Computer Gaming Nerds Who Stay

Up All Night and Have No Social Life Union and the Rave Party

Organisers of America have joined the Vampires in a major

industrial action across the country."

The picture cut to a demonstration outside the White House. A

young, white haired Vampire was waving his fist in the air and

inciting the crowd to noise.

"We're fed up!" he yelled, "We're sick of being done over by

these geezers and their ties that match their socks. We're sick of

being left to rot in old crypts and haunted houses! We're sick of

feeding on vermin and getting experimented on by Army types."

"Huh?" said CJ.

The President shrugged.

"We're not taking it anymore! There'll be no more biting, no more

terrorising, no more skulking around looking all menacing, until

someone gives us our rightful recognition."

"Yeah!!" screamed the crowd.

"And we're going to stand here and play Billy Bragg until they

do!"

"Yeah!" the crowd roared again. Music started up in the

background.

"There is power in a union…" a voice sang.

The leader smile malevolently as the vampire throng stamped their

feet and waved their fists in the air. With his floor length leather

coat and his chiselled features he looked enticingly wicked.

A reporter on the scene approached him.

"Mr Vampire?"

"Call me Spike."

"Mr Spike, I notice you're all protesting here outside the White

House, but as a vampire you're technically dead and not on the

electoral role which would suggest that it would be pretty difficult

for you to vote."

"Well that's just one more example of the kind of repression we

vampires face everyday." Spike looked directly at the camera, "call

this a democracy! Call this the land of the free! We're tired of this

administration and it's double standards! You can tell President…"

he stopped suddenly and turned to the reporter, "help me out here,

Brenda Starr, which President are we up to?"

"Bartlet, Mr Spike."

"Bartlet? Who's he? What happened to Kennedy?"

"Uh.. Mr Kennedy was shot."

"Yeah? He was all right that one. Not as good as Roosevelt but

then I always liked my meals on wheels…All right then, this

President Bartlet geezer, is he a Republican or a Democrat?"

"He's a Democrat."

"Well President Bartlet and the Democrats have had it in for us

vampires ever since this administration got into power. And we're

fed up!" Spike made a fist for the cameras and the vampires behind

him cheered.

"Mr Spike, what about those rumours saying you're running for

Congress?"

Spike smiled amiably at the reporter.

"You'd better believe it Lois Lane," he said, and then he turned to

the camera once more. He smirked and suddenly his forehead

bulged and his eyes went yellow, "Vote for Spike, or else!"

Back in the White House Sam was staring at the monitor.

"So how come the TV cameras can see him and the mirrors can't?"

he said. No one answered.

In the Press Room the atmosphere was already charged. Camera's

went crazy as CJ walked in, the Press were already on their feet

yelling questions.

"CJ!" "CJ!"

"CJ is the new tax hike aimed specifically at Vampires?"

"Here at the White House we prefer the term 'incisor enhanced' to

'Vampire', and I would say that just because they are most likely

to be affected by the new tax hike, it does not mean they were

targeted specifically. However the President has said, any group or

section of the public that uses more resources than another should

pay for their use. Of course the fact that they are bloodsucking

monsters that prey on the vulnerable and the innocent has not

helped their bargaining position."

"CJ, how does the President plan to negotiate with the Vampires'

Union?"

"We will send out one top ranking industrial official at a time to

talk things over with their representatives. But negotiations are

expected to be tough and the talks could go on for days –

especially if they keep eating our officials."

"CJ!"

"Yes, Danny"

"CJ is it true that the Communications Director of the White House

is also a Vampire?"

"Toby Ziegler is currently receiving treatment for a condition

known as 'Nosferatus' – or vampirism. He may be dead but he's

still a lot sexier than you Press-boy so – nice try but no cigar. That

will be all for now. I'll hold another session at 10 o'clock by which

time we hope to have word from the Red Cross on the recent blood

shortage."

The Press filed out.

CJ went outside to be congratulated by Toby, Sam, Josh and

Donna.

"Those negotiations will be tied up for weeks!" Josh said, "by

which time we will have formed a Committee for Vampire

Relations where we'll stick every stuffed shirt that's voted into

Congress over the next couple of years, and leave them to deal

with the vampire problem until the Vampires deal with them and

drain 'em dry."

"It won't be a very enviable position," said Donna.

"Are you kidding?" said Josh, " They're politicians. They'll sit on

any committee we throw at them if they think there's a chance

someone will listen to them talk."

CJ shrugged.

"Or while they're 'not being moved' the sun will come up."

Everyone grinned.

"Politics," CJ said, "gets 'em every time,"

"Let's go celebrate!" Said Sam.

They headed off down the corridor but Toby grabbed CJ's arm

pulling her back away from the others.

"CJ – I had to tell you, I love you. I've loved you since I first saw

you when you found out you were a slayer and you were all alone

and confused…"

"Last night? You've loved me since last night?"

"Take it or leave it," he shrugged.

"I'll take it," she said, putting her hand in his, "now let's go have

sex!"

"Wait! CJ, I can't have sex. If I experience a moment of pure joy

the curse will be broken and I'll revert back to the murderous

blood-thirsty monster without a soul that I was before."

CJ looked thoughtful and then she shrugged.

"So we do the wild thing, I drop you off at the local KKK chapter

and you finally get a smile on your face, let's go undead-boy."

They caught up with the others outside Josh's office. Everyone

grabbed their coats and got ready to leave. The Sun was rising

outside, the birds we're singing, and the vampires were hissing.

Josh was exultant.

"CJ, you were amazing!" he said.

"I bow down before your superior politese," said Sam.

"Politese?" said Toby.

"You don't like it?" Sam said a little dejected.

"I hate it," said Toby.

"Well I think you guys should probably treat me with a little more

respect now huh?" said CJ.

Josh let a smile creep slowly across his face. He gave CJ an earnest

look.

"I serve at the pleasure of the slayer," he said.

"I serve at the pleasure of the slayer," Sam repeated.

CJ looked at Toby.

"Well?"

"I serve at the pleasure of CJ the Vampire slayer," he said

seriously.

"God bless America," Donna said.

Everyone looked at her.

"What? We're not doing that thing?"

"Donna, we're doing the other thing," said Josh.

"I wasn't here for the other thing," Donna whined…

Just then a noise came from down the hall. One of the vampires

was obviously unaffected by his union and was barrelling down the

hallway fangs bared. Everyone took in a sharp breath.

He was about to launch himself at Donna when Leo McGarry

appeared out of nowhere. He leapt six feet into the air and hurled a

flying kick at the vampire's neck. The vampire reeled back against

the wall but got up fighting. Leo landed and spun sending well

aimed punches towards the vampires head. The vampire blocked

the first two but the sheers intensity of Leo's attack forced the

vampire back against the wall. It reacted by falling to the floor and

grabbing Leo by the legs. Leo fell, but managed to flip himself

backwards as he went down. Landing on his feet he pulled a

wooden stake from the inside of his jacket and slammed it into the

vampire's heart. A pile of dust appeared on the floor in the

vampire's place.

Just as mysteriously Margaret appeared out of nowhere and began

sweeping up the dust with a dustpan and brush.

"Leo?" she said.

"Yeah?"

"If you're finished slaying the murderous undead Sir,

Congressman Evans is on line four."

"Thank you Margaret," he said, and he walked off in the direction

of his office.

CJ looked thoughtfully at the spot on the floor that Margaret had

just swept.

"He's good," she said to no one in particular.

"Oh yeah," said Josh.

"Definitely," said Sam.

"Without a doubt," said Toby.

"Kick ass!" said Donna.

And with that they pulled on their coats and went out into the

morning sunlight.

In a week or two everything returned to normal at the White House

although Leo got a hell of a lot more respect from the Senior

staffers. CJ still 'slayed' 'em in the Press Room, Donna and Josh

flirted but never got around to following through on the unresolved

sexual tension as everyone knew they would, Toby was still dead

but at least when he told Republican Congress members he was

going to have them for breakfast everyone paid attention.

Sam and Ainsley still argued over gun control.

"And for your information, Sam, limiting access to guns wouldn't

do much to help the mayor of Sunnydale, California, killed in an

explosion which investigators believe was arranged by students."

"No arrests were made."

"No, but reports suggested that a student previously responsible for

an attack of arson at another school was involved. It's my opinion-

-"

"Ainsley, go eat a doughnut or something. Sunnydale is the

exception, rather than the rule."

"All I'm saying is, if the White House placed more limitations on

the kinds of material which can be viewed by impressionable

teens, the mayor of Sunnydale might still be alive today."

"He was a Republican, wasn't he?"

"Bite me, Sam."

The End

*

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Zucker Abrahams and Zucker for teaching me everything I know.

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