*CHAKOTAY*

I never thought I would love this planet as I do. I never cared whether I was here or not. Getting back to the Alpha Quadrant was a goal, and Earth the name of the focus for a lot of the crew. Not for me. And now it has a place in my heart that is irrevocable. We probably won't stay here. But for the first time in my life, I feel that it is "home".

We'd been here only for a few weeks when I called her. I was reluctant. I didn't know if she'd want to hear from me, not yet at any rate. I thought she needed time with her family. I thought she needed to adapt herself to being home - I know that was an impossibly huge step for Kathryn. She'd been working so long toward that goal, that achieving it - well, it had to be as if the last step was removed from under her feet. Disorienting.

And I knew she had to see Mark. I think he has faded from her heart, over the years - but he was a part of her life for much longer than I've known her, and he had been the one to move on. Underneath the careful façade she showed me, that must have hurt like hell.

I couldn't assume. I was afraid to hope. We'd hurt each other so often - not only her, hurting me. I'd hurt her too. By being impatient, by not understanding sometimes the impossible position she was in. I know that I'd pushed wrongly, or inappropriately at times, and we had had harsh words on too many occasions.

She knew very well that I had made a few attempts to forget her. Or at least to put another in my heart in place of her. It didn't work, of course. If our ways parted, if the worst should happen and we couldn't find a way to be together - well, I might find someone to fill my life. To fill the void. But to fill my heart? No. It wouldn't happen. I have never been so consumed with a love. It completes me even without her presence.

With her presence? I can't contain the happiness.

Well. I called her, finally. More than a week of our self-imposed isolation from each other, all the crew advised to go home, to see their old friends, to try to gain a little perspective before we all met each other again. I couldn't wait the two weeks or two months that Starfleet recommended. And as it turned out, neither could Kathryn.

She's teased me about it since then. She lived so long doing what she was supposed to, what Starfleet demanded of her - what her own sense of duty demanded of her - I think that when she finally decided to let go, to live by her own rules, the freedom of it overwhelmed her.

Certainly it overwhelmed me. That Kathryn would finally let me in ... that she would finally admit that the distance between us was as hard for her as it was for me - I hadn't been sure I would ever see that day. When we met, that night in Ohio... when we made love for that first time, in the woods I have told her are sacred to me now - I think we spent as much time that night crying as laughing, tenderly wiping away each others' tears as caught in the passion of lovemaking.

We're making up for it now. I can't get enough of her. I never will.

*KATHRYN*

It's strange. Finally, I feel I'm home. Not only that the journey is over--but that I'm home. It strikes me as impossibly funny that I should feel that way, now, when returning to Earth and Starfleet and Indiana and even my mother did nothing but make me feel displaced.

I don't think I could have stayed in Indiana for more than a few weeks. It was already beginning to pall on me, that night when Chakotay called. The night I went to him, finally. Yet now...now, I can finally feel in my heart that Earth is home. Because we are together, here. Because this is where we were first truly together, no holding back, no barriers.

Among all the other feelings, the multitude of reactions I can't begin to contain, there is such an immeasurable *relief*: relief from stress, from conflict, from duty too, oh yes, that too. My deepest fear - my personal fear - that I never put a name to, that I wouldn't admit, was that I would disappear inside the shell of the Captain. It was happening more and more over the years. I couldn't let Kathryn out, or I thought I couldn't, and I can be as stubborn and unreasonable and blind as anybody else. And Kathryn had got to be contained, by god, because if I'd ever let her out, well, maybe I would have relaxed. Maybe I would have just not *cared* if I'd gotten the ship home. And I owed my people that. So I didn't dare let go, couldn't relax, couldn't - couldn't let myself love. Certainly I couldn't admit to it. The stakes were too high.

But the weight of that duty was grinding me into dust. Chakotay knew it, feared it, saw it. The distance between us had grown more over the last few years of our journey. I think he would have left me entirely because of it. Oh, if I asked him, he'd deny it, say he's loved me for years and will always love me and couldn't imagine not loving me. And he'd mean it. But I think it would have happened. It hurt him so, to see me lock myself away, that in simple self-defense he would have pulled himself back too. He was already doing it.

But the gods have been kind to us. I don't believe in Chakotay's spirits, not really, not deep down, but I would thank them for him if I could manage it. And I'd thank them for what I've found, what I've managed to hang onto, barely, by the skin of my teeth.

Oh, that night...that night when Chakotay called me. I've been so contained, so controlled, for so long - that if you'd said to me that Chakotay is going to call at 1:30 a.m. local time and you're going to run to meet him and one hour later you'll be making love with him in a primeval forest - well, I'd have laughed.

I'll still laugh. But it's with delight, and happiness, and anticipation. We didn't stay in the forest very long. After we'd made love, a little frantic and chilled and with tears running down our faces - after he'd brushed away the oak leaves in my hair, and we'd righted our clothing - well, after that, we finished the journey to his cousin's house. A small cottage at the edge of the woods, Joe works for the forestry service, but I still haven't met him - Chakotay opened the door to that cottage and ushered me inside, holding my hand. He turned me to him in the dim light of the sitting room, waited until I was looking at him, and said, "I love you, Kathryn." Asking nothing of me, not even any questions. There was a simplicity in him then - that isn't always true, don't let him fool you - but just then? I think he decided that it was time, was past time. He needed to say the words.

Finally hearing them -- oh, I'd known. And my throat was hurting from trying to say it back to him, and I meant to...certainly I have since...but I couldn't manage anything at all, just then. I started to cry, tears slipping down my face at first but it didn't stop, and finally Chakotay just enfolded me in his arms and held me, waiting, not asking anything, knowing somehow that I had to let it out, even if he wasn't sure what would come after. One more time, he gave me what I needed, and I think the fear must have been very great in him then, because I couldn't get the words out to tell him why I was crying.

Finally I stopped, wiping my face and trembling and discovered that we were on the settee. I was on Chakotay's lap, his arms stroking me and his lips on my hair. I was still having trouble forming words, though. "I didn't - this isn't - it's not what you..."

"Shhh," he told me. "It can wait. I can wait. Breathe. Just breathe, I've got you."

I shook my head then. "All this," I was probably sniffling, "is all such a relief, I didn't mean to blubber....it's just I feel like I'm free for the first time in years and it's making me lightheaded and it's just reaction, that's all, can you understand that?"

I was babbling and I hadn't given him any referent to understand what I was talking about, I hadn't quite managed that yet. But one thing I could finally get out, one thing he had to hear from me. I caught his hand where it was stroking my cheek and finally looked squarely at him. "I love you Chakotay, please don't doubt that, not any more, I've loved you for so long and I can finally say it-"

He caught me to him then, smiling and maybe a few tears on his face too, and, well, this time we made it upstairs to the tiny bedroom, at least.

I slept almost till noon. I haven't done that since I was fourteen. That must say something about how completely, finally at home I was, or maybe how exhausted my spirit was. Not my body. But me.

We woke up with the midday sun streaming in the window, and for a while there I didn't even think about coffee, which certainly says something about how preoccupied we were. I didn't contact my mother until mid-afternoon. At least I'd left a note. When I did call her, activating the small vidscreen in Joe's study, she started to roll her eyes and snap at me in annoyance for worrying her--but then she looked at my face. Her voice faded and a smile came into her eyes and she didn't even ask where I was. She just smiled at me.

That wry expression came back, of course, after a minute. "Well," she said, "whatever you've been up to, it agrees with you."

I didn't even try to dissemble. This was my mother, after all. Not that I couldn't lie to her, but what would be the point? And she's smart. I didn't just get it from my father. I turned my head and gestured Chakotay over. He pulled the other desk chair up and sat next to me and acknowledged my mother on the screen, smiling a little.

She looked him over for a minute, nodding once. He probably couldn't see her smile, it was only an expression around the eyes, but I did. "Commander Chakotay."

"Mrs. Janeway."

"Glad to see you're in good hands then, Kathryn," she looked back at me. "Will you be home this evening?"

"-no, I don't think so. We've got some things to - well, we've got some er..."

"I imagine so. Well." There was a moment of silence. I think she was deliberately baiting me. Then she added, "If Starfleet should happen to call, what should I tell them?"

I hadn't of Starfleet at all and that made me impatient with myself. "Oh, hell. Tell them--um, tell them-"

Chakotay quirked one eyebrow at me, questioning without words, and turned to the screen to say to my mother, "Tell them we'll check in the first of next week. Not before."

"Ah. Thank you...Chakotay. Will you be needing anything?" This was directed at me.

I had to grin. "No. I have everything I need."

"I can see that."

"I'll call you in a couple of days."

"Do that. And be well."

"Yes..." Somehow I appreciated her more at that moment than when I had first come home- she, who recognized her daughter at last, going after what I wanted. I think I automatically said "Janeway out," to the screen, and turned to Chakotay, and we realized that we had four days, four whole days, to ourselves. With no demands and no restrictions and no...well, surprisingly few inhibitions.

*CHAKOTAY*

Kathryn surprised the hell out of me. That conversation with her mother-what she said, or rather, didn't bother to deny. She was acknowledging me, to a person who was as important to her as anybody. No hesitation. That's my Kathryn, though. When she makes a decision, she isn't shy about it.

'My' Kathryn. I still have trouble believing it. Though she says she's going to take quite a bit of time, convincing me...

Those four days of unauthorized leave are a blur. Oh, I can recall exact moments-they are engraved on my memory and I'll never forget them, never forget the first time Kathryn reached for me, and not the other way around...or the first time she woke up in my arms, and we didn't have to rush to duty, didn't have to rush at all, could take time in loving. And we did, oh we did. I shouldn't have been surprised at that, but I was. Kathryn had withdrawn from me for so long. Now I know that part of the reason she had been so afraid to let me get closer was because she had known, even years ago, that if she welcomed me to her heart and her bed she would be overwhelmed. And greedy.

I smile even as I think that. I've had that grin on my face for days now, you'd think my jaw would be tired, but I can't seem to stop. The tiniest thing makes me smile, makes me want to pick Kathryn up and whirl her around and hug her and laugh for the absolute joy of it. We're really going to have to get this under control, at least a little. My smile isn't the only thing that's been pretty active lately, I think I've been walking around with a hard-on the whole time. And Kathryn doesn't hesitate to take advantage of me.

She's sneaky and determined and focused in *that* direction just like anything else she sets her mind to. She'll wear me out. I've told her that several times now. For some reason she doesn't believe me.

*KATHRYN*

God, he makes me laugh. The days of that leave...oh, Starfleet was in a proper uproar, they reamed both our asses when we finally checked in the next week. But they were lucky we called when we did. I really wanted nothing more than to take our two months' leave and just disappear. I was tempted.

As in so many things, it was the crew that decided me. If I pissed off the wrong people - well, I'll do it in a minute if there's a need...but I'll save it for the really important issues. And Voyager needs me. I still have to convince the brass that the ship should be put back into service as soon she's brought up to spec, and with as many of us on board as want to return. It looks like it's going to work. The refit is going well. I've only been in direct contact with a half dozen of the crew - our first get-together is scheduled for tomorrow night, so we'll know then who's going to come and who wants to head back out with me. With us.

With us. There's no hiding that anymore, not that I want to. If they give me command of Voyager again, there are a few ground rules that are going to be very clear. At the top of the list is the fact that the commanding officers are a team, and we're not going to be separated. That's unalterable. Admiral Necheyev tried to give me a hard time about that. I looked her in the face and said only, "I gave Starfleet several years of my life. I wouldn't take it back, but I won't do that again for anything. Not alone. Chakotay and I stay together. His position and his importance are acknowledged, or I don't go. It's that simple."

Necheyev has no love for me, but it's a fact that right now I'm Starfleet's shining toy and they want to keep me happy, or at least they want the press and the public to think so. I see no reason not to take advantage of that. You use whatever weapon is appropriate for the fight. And I'm ready to fight, Admiral, if necessary. Let's be clear about that, shall we?

I think she got the message. She only nodded, finally, and watched us both with those cold grey eyes, and told me she'd keep us apprised. No concessions on her part, not aloud at any rate.

But I meant what I said. Starfleet has already publicly acknowledged that all the Maquis on board Voyager performed valiantly and indispensably. I'm sure some of the brass have private reservations, but then they probably feel that way about me too. I'm a maverick now, I'm too much of an unknown quantity, and I have sentiment on my side. Don't ever let anybody tell you the Fleet isn't a political organization. The funding and the support have to come from somewhere, the media plays a large part in that, and if I have to make a few comm calls to sympathetic parties, well, I won't like it. But will I do it? Hell yes.

But right now, we're still on leave. Officially for another two months plus. Unofficially? Well, I'm not going to let more than a few days go by without visiting the spacedock, all those credits we've accrued over the last seven years ought to be good for something. I'd forgotten how expensive it is when you have to pay transporter fees, but I'll do that too.

There aren't very many things I need to spend money on, anyway. We're still staying at the cottage in Ohio. Can't keep that up much longer, Chakotay's cousin will be back soon from his sabbatical and while I'm sure Joe's a good man and I look forward to getting to know him...perhaps not right now. Not if it means staying at his house, having to put on company manners and worry about appearances and, well, keep my hands to myself because there's somebody else around.

Not right now. The only duty Chakotay and I have right now is to each other; we've got a lot of lost time to make up for. The party's scheduled for tomorrow night, our first public appearance together. I'd planned on having it at my mother's until I realized what an imposition that would be, so I convinced Starfleet to host it at a hotel. It didn't take much arm-twisting, they want to show us off. I have a feeling it'll be quite an evening. We all need the chance to let our hair down. So Chakotay and I will attend. Most of all I want to see who's going to come, and if the brass wants to look at the guest list as an unofficial declaration of the crew complement for Voyager's next mission, well, that's all right too.

We'll be there.

*CHAKOTAY*

It's been an interesting evening. I think Kathryn was looking forward to it more than she admitted. Not only a chance to see everybody again, the people we've lived with for all the years of our voyage, but also to see who was going to show interest in going back into space. We still don't have any word from upstairs on that, but the spotlight is pretty strong. Kathryn understands how to play that game, if she has to.

The press were here in droves. I'd anticipated that - I don't think Kathryn had given it a thought. They couldn't get inside, at least. We transported to San Francisco just a few minutes before the party was scheduled to start and headed straight for the St. Francis. Starfleet rented several function rooms for us and anybody who wanted to stay at the hotel was comped for the night. We didn't stay, it was a little too public. But the party was wonderful.

Kathryn dressed with special care. It wasn't a formal evening, exactly, but it wasn't time to wear a uniform either, and she had a statement to make. She's not their captain now. She was; she probably will be again. But not tonight. Her dress was a simple thing, I have no idea where she got it but it looked like it was made for her. She called Phoebe the afternoon before, maybe that's the answer. The dress was some shade of deep red, long and not fussy, tight sleeves and snug around her middle and she looked... I'm the wrong person to ask. I'd say she looked womanly, but that doesn't say anything, she makes a Starfleet uniform sexy and in that dress she - all right, she knocked me out. Her hair was loose, she only brushed it for a little while and chose earrings and put on her dress and said, let's go.

I'm afraid I made us late.

Then she put the dress back on and this time we got to the party. We had no more walked through the doors of the lounge before Tom and B'Elanna saw us and came over. B'Elanna's grin stopped us cold. She only looked at me and said, "Oh." But I knew she knew. As for Paris? He walked up to Kathryn, leaned down to her with an impossible grin on his face--and asked her to dance. She raised an eyebrow at him but went willingly enough.

She's told me a little about what he said to her - probably not all of it. I saw him kiss her cheek, but they were too far away. She told me he waited through half the dance before he said only, "It's about time," and she nodded and agreed with him.

"Worth waiting for," she said.

"Stubborn," he said. He didn't say *who* was stubborn.

I danced with B'Elanna at the same time, might as well take advantage of the opportunity, and anyway she looked like she'd bust a gut if she didn't say something to me. She started off with the neutral, "You look great," and added straightfaced, "So does the captain," and I only laughed and agreed with her. I don't think it was more than another minute though before she shook me a little and said, "Well?"

"Well *what*?"

"Aren't you going to tell me about it?"

I shook my head. She was about to snap my head off when I added, "You have eyes, B'Ela."

That stopped her from cussing me out. "Yes," she nodded after a minute. "I'm glad."

"Thanks." And that was all we needed to say, really. I knew B'Elanna was happy for me. We're family for each other, we didn't need to spell it out. I did have a few questions for her, though. "How about you?"

"What about me?"

I nodded toward Paris. "Is he all right? Are the two of you?"

"Yeah. We are. As for Tom..." She half shrugged. "That battle isn't over. He's been to see his dad. He's quiet afterwards. I'm giving him a little time."

Such patience from Torres surprised me; but then, knowing how good she and Tom were for each other - that had surprised me too. And they were, anybody could see it. They'd had some rocky times, but they'd gotten through that. And another important question was answered for me now, at least tentatively. "You both came to the party. Should I read anything into that?"

She leaned back in my arms. "Depends on Starfleet, doesn't it. If they'll have us? We'll be there in a heartbeat. You knew that, didn't you?"

"Yeah. I guess I did."

"At least, we'll be there...if you are. Both of you." This time she stopped moving and waited.

I pulled her back into my arms and danced her in the direction of Paris and Kathryn. "Is that a question?"

"Yeah."

I just smiled again. "If they'll have us."

*KATHRYN*

I've known Tom Paris since he was eight. I don't think he's got too many surprises for me. But he surprised me tonight--by what he didn't say. He didn't pry, he didn't tease, he didn't say anything about the years-long bet he'd lost because I never publicly acknowledged how I felt about my first officer. As we danced, there in the St. Francis, he made idle chitchat, told me I looked wonderful, said the party was wonderful, said he and B'Elanna were wonderful - I was about to shake him when he looked down at me and tightened his hand on mine just a little, for emphasis, and said, "It's about time."

I almost laughed. But then, laughter comes very easily to me these days. So I didn't. I only nodded, and told him some things were worth waiting for. I don't know if he was accusing me or Chakotay of being stubborn - or complimenting one of us - he wouldn't explain. It didn't matter. He understood me, that night. He released me when Chakotay and B'Elanna danced near, and she stepped back, and nobody in the room paid any attention at all when we changed partners.

Like hell. Of course they did. But nobody made any fuss, so we could pretend we didn't notice them noticing. And if nobody intruded on our dance, and it lasted rather longer than such things usually do, that was all right too. It was one way of telling everybody, well, this is the way it is, now.

Nobody seemed too surprised.

*CHAKOTAY*

We've got another week before Joe comes back. We have to decide where to go, then. Kathryn's mother has told us we're welcome, and we're heading there for a few days. Of course Kathryn wants to spend some time with her mother, and I want to get to know the woman who raised Kathryn practically single-handed. I suspect there'll be a few surprises for me on that score. But we won't stay our whole leave there.

I'm going to talk Kathryn into buying a house, or an apartment, the two of us, together. We'll have to decide where, and what we want. It doesn't matter too much, as long as it's a place we both like, and not in the middle of a city where we'll be too crowded, and we can find somebody to take care of it while we're gone. But it matters that we find one, someplace we can call our own. We've talked about it a little, in general terms. She likes the idea, I think. The house she shared with Mark...well, they sold that years ago, thinking we were all dead; anyway we couldn't go back there. I wouldn't mind...too much, but Kathryn wouldn't have considered it, anyway. This time the house won't be hers; it'll be ours.

*KATHRYN*

There's a lot to do in the next few weeks. Soon Voyager's refit will be demanding a lot more of my attention, and between the crew roster and the computer updates - I think they're going to use some of B'Elanna's improvements but without the jury-rigging this time - and if they didn't, I'd insist - well, anyway, between the people and the supplies and the mission updates and the debriefings that start next week, we're not going to have a lot of time just for ourselves, pretty soon.

Between now and then, we've got to find a house. I don't know if Chakotay understands how important it is to me, to have a place that we've bought together, that belongs equally to both of us, a place for us to come home to...well, maybe he does. He always made a home for me, wherever we went. He's done that for seven years. I want to return the favor.

So tomorrow we're going house-hunting. I want to find the place as quickly as possible, purchase whatever we need, get it stocked, and move in...we ought to be able to do that in a week, don't you think? I mean, how long does it take? Then we'll have a few weeks there, when duty permits, and we can take the time to finish the place, hire a caretaker, and fuss around the house. Hell, maybe I'll even choose the wallpaper.

Stranger things have happened.